I am going to get a little personal! There has been a lot of changes in our lives over the past month. I wish this was a blog post that I have been waiting and waiting to blog about, but sadly this is the reality of life.
Terry and I got married April of 2009- Best day of my life. I was so happy to be sealed to such an amazing man. He is truly my everything. My best friend, my right hand man, my inspiration, my other half. I have been so so blessed to have such a trust worth, righteous, happy man in my life. We have enjoyed the last 2 years together. Learn, growing, crying, loving, hoping, and enduring. A little after a year we decided that life was wonderful and we were ready for a new challenge and new little person to join our lives.
We got off birth control June 2010-
Month after month went by with nothing to speak of or get excited about! Same thing... over and over. Terry and I were not discouraged by this. We knew there was a bigger picture and plan for us! However, it has still been so hard over those months after months to hear "we're pregnant!" "we're going to mommy and daddy's" from every other person! I kept my head held high and knew that we would be the ones saying that one day! Don't worry there was one day I was so upset about it I went through facebook and over 37 of my friends were expecting... but still not us.
In January after being devastate one more time, I through my hand up in the air and said that I was done trying, hoping and praying for something to happened. I was so tired of putting my life on hold and pushing things aside because "I may be pregnant next month." UGH-- So, putting things aside I just lived my day to day life without worrying or stressing or thinking about having a baby!
Well....On February 21st (Monday) Terry and I found out that we were FINALLY PREGNANT!! YAY-- oh you should have seen Terry jumping around and was so so so Excited to finally get the news which we had been waiting for. I ended up taking like 3 tests just to prove that it was real. And it was SO real! It took everything in us not to go buy the entire store of baby clothes and everything. I have to be honest. I never throw up or felt too sick. I was starving all the time though. It was so excited to see the changes and know the development of what a baby will go through to get to be with us.
On Friday March 5th, I started feeling a little cramps/stressed. I tried to take it easy and relax and put my feet up. But I just wasn't feeling "right". On Saturday morning, I woke up knowing there was something not right. I felt like I was going to start my period which I know when you are pregnant that is NOT a good thing to be feeling. Terry had gone golfing with his friend and as the morning went on I knew that Reality was taking away our dream! I sent Terry a text that just said, "Terry, I don't think we are going to have a baby in October!" Within a few minutes Terry was right by my side. We lost our baby!
This was a moment of fear, terror, unbelief, and extreme sadness for us. The only thing I really remember is Terry holding my side and telling me to keep my head held high. Through the thick and the thin of this day, Terry has be such a constant in my life. He held his head up high with tears streaming down his face. We know that there is a plan. We don't understand that plan but it is what we must live day in and day out! I know that I did nothing wrong to hurt my baby or to help it leave me! I was a protector and tried everything to make this pregnancy work.
Someone asked me if I was upset that I let so many people know that we were pregnant! After having a chat with my sister about this and some thing she shared with me. This is who I am. I am a social survivor. I love to talk and share the happiest moment in our life. Finding out we were pregnant was the happiest thing for me and Terry and we share it! Its Who We Are! and I just have to say. I have been SO SO SO blessed by so many to have a continuous support system around me. To have comments of love and prayers around us. I am so glad that we are not going through this alone!!!! Thank you so much to EVERYONE that has commented, email, text, called, and prayed for us!!!!!! We feel the love around us. I know that it is not going to be an easy battle to fight. but together Terry and I will win this battle and face many more!
Terry and I had a dream that came true.... and reality woke us up and took our little angel away from us! We know that with faith, patience, and prayer we will one day be able to return to that dream and grow a healthy, beautiful baby that will be ours!!!
I love you Terry Hiatt! I am so sorry for your loss! Thank you for standing by my side and teaching by example how to hold my head up high!!!
11 comments:
Janeal! I am so sorry for your loss. I have no idea how you feel but I can imagine. You have the right attitude about it. Keep going with it. You will be a Mother one day soon. You are a great example to us all. I love you very much! Let me know if you need anything.
This just breaks my heart for you! But from someone who has been there, I know that you will both be ok, and that in time things will get better! Hang in there, and hold unto each other!
I am so sorry Janeal. I wouldn't be sorry either for telling everyone. What if you hadn't? You wouldn't have that support group for helping you through this very difficult time. I know it is very hard hearing that EVERYBODY is pregnant. I have been feeling that way and I am not even in your position. I have enjoyed reading your blog so much, and have learned what a strong woman you have become.
It took us almost 18 months to get pregnant with our 2nd child. It was very discouraging every month to take a test. I am sure you have tried everything, but like you said, it finally happened when you were not stressed about it anymore. Read a book before getting into bed at night to wind down and forget about everything. Or... (now I am going to get personal) do it in the middle of the day on a whim when it is not "expected".
My heart hurts for you. I will be thinking about you! I love you!!
Terry & Janeal- You two will be incredible parents! That day will indeed become a reality! Have faith in that and the love of your Father in Heaven! I love you both so much!
Janeal,
I am so sorry for your loss! Reading this post hits a few sore spots with me. Dane and I got pregnant after trying for a whole year and we were beyond thrilled. We found out at my first appointment which was about a month after finding out I was pregnant that the baby was not alive. I think miscarriage is always a huge setback and heartbreaker but especially if you have been trying so hard for so long. As I am sure you know, I am pregnant now but it took us 2 and a half years after my miscarriage to get pregnant again and only after a couple of months of clomid, a fertility study, countless tears, negative pregnancy tests, and a whole lot of prayers.
I think it's great you told people you were pregnant because it is also hard to have just gone through something so devastating and have no one know about it. I am not quite sure why infertility/miscarriage is such a hush hush subject because there are so many people that go through it and we can all help each other. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
Janeal....nothing hurts a mother worse than losing a child. Especially after months of trying and months of tears. I am so sorry for your lose, but you will have a baby soon and will be an amazing mother!
You are in my prayers. I hope you know that. Love you girl--I hope you and Terry are recovering okay from this. Call me if you need anything!
I found your blog & read your story. I too am sorry for your loss. I hope you heal emotionally & physically & mentally-its hard.
I have no idea if you are interested but there is a race for infant and pregnancy loss in June. Its in bountiful, and if that would help you heal, and know you are not alone with this struggle, look into it-- raceforgrief10k.com
Its just something different and I have not heard of one before...just putting it out there if you are interested.
oh my gosh I had no idea! I am so grateful for this post and you being so personal, Terry is amazing and I think he is lucky to have you! I am sorry for your loss, you guys will be the cutest best parents ever!
I am sure you have tried everything.. but have you tried clomid? I have a friend that her odds were all against her with a disease she has, and she went on clomid and it happened in 1 month!
We will be praying for you!
Hey there! I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Hang in there. The gospel is so wonderful, thank goodness we know about the plan!
Janeal! I had no idea you had a blog and I wish I would have found it sooner.
I'm so sorry about all of this, sis and I hope you're doing better. You're so strong and I admire you for being able to remember that the Lord HAS a plan. And even better the Savior will take these burdens from us if we let him.
I love you so much, Janeal and I hope you're doing well. The time WILL come!!
Text/call if you need to talk. Love ya!
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